Haynes terms translation !!!

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Haynes Manuals translation of important terms...
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Haynes mechanic manual: Important Terms And Their Definitions

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vice-grip then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with vice-grip then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with vice-grip then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell man! ... Clamp with vice-grip then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly rip my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now get some swall vice-grip to dig out the socket part and remaining glass shards with your hands dripping blood

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are coming out then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!


Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation:yaaaa, right... Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your can, jump up and down on, swear at it, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage while swearing "******" repeatedly .

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, I thought so, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that un-reachable rusted-out one.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: same thing ,but you just swear in different places.

Haynes: unlock plastic locating clips...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday tool kit
Translation; Credit Card & Cell Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation : Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation 2: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with Vice Grip then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book that you were looking for swearing for an hour

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter wrench.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of sillicone around here somewhere.


Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.

Haynes ; secure it
Translation ; Duct it

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